


You're Biting Your Tongue

by spiritedziam



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Fluff and Smut, High School, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Smut, Social Anxiety, Student Liam, Student Zayn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-28
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-04-17 16:05:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4672847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiritedziam/pseuds/spiritedziam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The boy now in front of his desk, staring down at him, has these big round eyes the color of honey and the chocolates he and his sisters used to sneak when they were younger. Liam stands there, hand moving to the back of his head and messing with his short sandy, chestnut hair that’s done up in a small quiff. It’s an odd stance for someone of his stature. He’s all broad shoulders but somehow he seems petite in a way Zayn can’t figure out. Like one of those big dogs that think they’re small enough to be a lap dog. Someone that probably doesn’t know his own strength. Endearing. </p><p>Or the one where Zayn is a socially awkward, anxiety ridden, introvert and Liam is a happy-go-lucky star football player. They get assigned to work on a project together and Zayn starts to wonder just how much he really likes to be alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

Sat at the back of his English class, Zayn picked aimlessly at his nails. He couldn’t see the board for shit but he would never ask to move up. This is how it was in all of his classes. In the beginning of every school year, Zayn made sure to snag a seat in the back. It’s not that he was particularly antisocial, he had friends (well a friend. Zayn stopped trying to shake Harry off a long time ago) but he just preferred to be alone. He enjoyed his solitude above everything else. He lived inside his head and that’s how he liked it. There’s no one to answer to if he just keeps to himself.

So here he is, halfway through his last year of high school, trying not to fall asleep. Zayn thinks that’s one of the things he likes best about himself. He could sleep through all his classes and still manage a passing grade (if he must, he’ll go home and read through his textbook and teach the material to himself. In fact, he’s not too sure if he’s ever really spoken to any of his teachers this year.)

Zayn shakes off the thought of sleep and tries his hardest to at least focus slightly on what Ms. Baker is saying.

“Did everyone get that? This project is worth 90 points and it’s due on the 21st -”, Ms. Baker starts, leaning against her desk at the front of the room.

Zayn most certainly did NOT get that and he tells himself off in his head for it. He thinks about the most recent things they’ve gone over; poetry. Writing is something he prides himself in, especially poetry. He’s sure he won’t have a problem with whatever this project is. Might just dig out some old song he wrote, revise it, make sure it’s appropriate and turn that in but-

“-and I will be picking the groups."

Nearly every student groans and Zayn’s stomach is either in his mouth or falling out of him completely. Zayn doesn’t work very well with others when it comes to school. Or anything else really. It’s not that he doesn’t like people, he’s just incredibly socially inept. No matter what he says, it comes off as brooding or closed off. He supposes he is brooding and closed off so it’s only fitting. Zayn takes what was supposed to be a calming breath (it really doesn’t do much to end the feeling of impending doom he feels sinking lower and lower in his gut) and draws his attention back to the front where Ms. Baker is reading off the assigned pairs to the class.

For a moment, he fears that his name was already called and he’s missed it. He starts thinking about how exactly he’s going to work up the courage to go up to Baker and ask who his partner is.

 _I’ll have to get up, avoid that guys bag so I_ _don’t trip -this is a crucial step-, get to the front of the classroom, explain to her why I wasn’t paying attention in the first place, in front of everyone. Or I’ll have to stay right where I am, raise my hand-_

“-Zayn Malik and Liam Payne.”

Zayn perks up at his name.

 _Liam Payne? Who’s Liam Payne? Will I have to go find him?_ _Will I have to ask someone who he is? Oh god, how embarrassing._ _Maybe he’ll find me. Will he laugh at me when I ask what the hell this project even is? If I’m lucky, he’ll explain it fast and then I can just tell him I can do it all by myself and he doesn’t have to worry about a thing. That’ll be fine, right?_

His thoughts are interrupted by the sound of chairs being pushed around and the sight of students moving about the classroom. They were all pairing up and they all seemed to know each other. Zayn was used to feeling a bit like an outsider but it was different when he was sticking out like a sore thumb, being the only person in the room still sitting in his own seat, alone. Well him and one other boy who was..walking up to him? Oh, that must be Liam. _Oh_.

Zayn’s first thought is that he wants to sketch his eyes. The boy now in front of his desk, staring down at him, has these big round eyes the color of honey and the chocolates he and his sisters used to sneak when they were younger. Liam stands there awkwardly, hand moving to the back of his head and messing with his short sandy, chestnut hair that’s done up in a small quiff. It’s an odd stance for someone of his stature. He’s all broad shoulders but somehow he seems petite in a way Zayn can’t figure out. Like one of those big dogs that think they’re small enough to be a lap dog. Small at heart, someone that probably doesn’t know his own strength. Endearing. Liam lets his hand fall back down to his side before stuffing it in his pocket.

“Um..hi. I’m Liam?” he says it like it’s a question, like he’s not really sure what to say. Like maybe he feels just as uncomfortable with the idea of working with someone else as Zayn does. The difference is his voice comes out strong and confident. Zayn’s not sure he could manage that right now with his internal turmoil.

“Yeah…m’zayn” Zayn mutters back. He feels lame but Liam just smiles down at him.

“Yeah, I know, I came up to you, remember?” Liam says with a chuckle and a fluffy cheeked smile.

Normally, a comment like that would make Zayn fold in on himself, make him feel awkward but he can’t bring himself to be offended or afraid in the slightest. Not when Liam says it so lightheartedly. Zayn thinks that Liam, for some reason, reminds him of Winnie the Pooh. He, of course, doesn’t say so, just gently smiles back and nods.

The thing is, if you were to ask Zayn his sexuality he would tell you he’s straight without even thinking twice. It’s just easier that way. No questions, no interrogation, no rejection, nothing. Not that anyone ever really asks, they just assume that he’s completely, 110% straight but that is not the case and never was. It’s not something he worries about, he’s decided that when he’s ready he’ll tell his family but for now it’s not a top priority. The only person that knows is Harry, the only real friend Zayn has (or ever has had, for that matter).

So when Liam licks at his lips and Zayn’s cheeks burn while he follows the movement, he’s not at all surprised.

Zayn loses this train of thought when Liam pulls up a chair.

“So what were you thinking? Any idea what you wanna do this thing on?” Liam asks, still looking at Zayn but it’s different now that he’s sat down. With Liam sat across from him on the other side of his desk, he can smell his cologne. It’s something subtle, woodsy, that’s contradicted by something sweet that Zayn can’t quite put his finger on yet.

“Oh I uh….sorry. I wasn’t really paying attention so…I’m not really sure what we’re meant to be doing..” Zayn says looking between his desk and a birthmark that he’s just noticed on Liam’s neck.

Zayn’s relieved when Liam just laughs at him again in that non-cynical/nonjudgmental way that he’s now sure only Liam can pull off. Zayn listens carefully and takes down a couple notes as Liam tells him all about the project. The more he learns about the project the more he doesn’t want to do it. He and Liam have to write a poem together. One person writes the first half and the other writes the last half. Once they’re both finished they have to put the two together and correlate them somehow. The bright side is that they have almost a full two weeks to finish it. Upfront this doesn’t seem so bad but Zayn’s mind flips it all around, turns it into something ugly. Zayn briefly wonders how he could think anything involving Liam could be considered ugly when the boy sitting across from him is the exact opposite. The problem with this project is that they’re going to have to spend a lot of their free time working on it, together, even outside of school. That’s what bothers Zayn the most. He lives for his solitude. He lives for the moments, after school, where he can sit in his room and well, be a pensive little teenager. He can’t help it, it’s just who he is. As kind as Liam seems, Zayn is reluctant to let go of his small nirvana.

“So? What do you want to do it on?” Liam asks, propping up his elbow on the desk and resting his chin on his fist.

“Aren’t you like..not supposed to know yet? Like we write separate stuff and then put them together?” Zayn says, pulling at a string on his pants.

Liam shrugs and says, “Just figured it might be easier to write it all in one go and get it over with.”

“Kinda defeats the purpose I guess,” Zayn replies shortly.

“Yeah, I guess. Sorry, it’s just I’m really busy lately with football and keeping up with all my other classes,” Liam says with a look in his eyes that shows Zayn that he really does feel bad. Zayn just shrugs, figures he’s spoken to a stranger enough today, much more than he ever would any other day anyway.

“Hey, could I get your number? That way we can like talk about the project and when to meet up and stuff like that?” Liam asks.

It’s a simple request but Zayn can’t help but smile shyly because a cute boy is asking for his number. Granted it’s for a school project but he can pretend it’s not for just a second. He rips a corner of a paper out of his notebook and writes ZAYN followed by his number before handing it over to Liam. Liam just smiles, says thanks and tucks it away in his pocket.

Zayn’s just starting to get worried about the uncomfortable silence that is bound to fall upon them when Liam looks down at his notebook and asks, “Do you like to draw? Those are pretty good!”

“Oh uh..yeah..thanks.” Zayn’s sure he’s going to die right here, in his desk. “I like this one, it’s very comic book-y,” Liam states, pointing to the bold bubble lettered ZAP! in a speech bubble. Zayn wonders if Liam likes comic books and thinks about all the ones he has stacked up in his closet at home.

“Do you…like comic books?” Zayn doesn’t mean for it to come out as weird as it sounds and nearly physically cringes. Luckily Liam isn’t even fazed.

“Actually, yeah. I’ve always been really into superheroes and stuff like that. All the guys on the team give me shit for it but it’s whatever, friendly banter and all that. I’m guessing by your drawings you’re kinda into that stuff too?” Zayn just nods his head and smiles. He’s been doing a lot of that throughout this whole exchange. Apparently Liam notices this because the next thing he says is ,”you don’t talk much, do you?” but he says it the way he says everything: luminously.

Zayn just nods his head again and Liam chuckles softly, almost knowingly at him. Liam spends the rest of the class watching Zayn doodle and sketch all over the page. Zayn always thought that silence between two people was uncomfortable but silence with Liam is nice. It’s the good kind of silence he gets when he’s alone in his head and Liam seems perfectly content to just sit there and watch Zayn.

When the bell rings Liam let’s Zayn know that he’ll text him after school. Zayn just nods and smiles and heads to his last class of the day: gym.

 

❀❀❀❀❀

 

Zayn hates physical activity and hates himself almost just as much for not passing it in the 9th grade when he was supposed to. If he did, he wouldn’t be here right now. Zayn remembers how cool he felt hiding under the bleachers to smoke while everyone else ran around the track. Now here Zayn was, running the track with Harry panting steadily next to him. Harry had been so determined to befriend Zayn that he had followed him every time he ditched the class in his freshman year. He even tried to smoke with him once but he ended up coughing so hard Zayn had thought he was going to vomit or spit out his right lung. Maybe that’s when Zayn decided he was an alright guy. They’ve gotten much closer over the years, Harry being Zayn’s only friend. Harry on the other hand is somewhat of a social butterfly. Not exactly popular but people know of him, he gets invited to parties (although he never goes to them) and is just naturally someone you want to have around. Harry knows how to treat each and every different individual and Zayn thinks that’s why they get on so well. Harry is one of the few that genuinely has some understanding of him, knows how to talk to him and make him feel safe.

“I have to close tonight at the shop,” Harry says between breaths.

As long as Zayn has known him Harry has worked in a rundown record shop called Ably Music that hardly anyone goes into anymore. It was the first place they ever hung out alone and quickly became one of Zayn’s favorite places to be.

“I thought you liked doing that?” Zayn recalls Harry going on and on about how the shop feels so much different at night when they were up in his room one day after school. Zayn had to throw a pillow at him to shut him up.

“I do but I have a lot of homework to do and you know how I feel about doing that stuff in the shop.”

Zayn also remembers Harry mentioning that he didn’t want to bring school or home things into the shop because he thinks it’ll tarnish the shops ‘aura’ or whatever. Zayn wonders when Harry turned into a complete nut. Zayn hums in response, slowing down the pace of his jog because he can feel his heart threatening to stutter and stop, lungs burning. Harry slows down with him.

“What about you, what are you doing tonight? You could hang out with me at the shop if you aren’t busy,” Harry suggests, wiping sweat off his forehead.

Zayn thinks back to his previous class with the big doe eyed boy sitting at his desk. He isn’t sure what exactly Liam has planned for the project or how he wants to execute it or anything really so just to be on the safe side, he decides it would be best to stay home. He’s there almost all the time anyway.

Zayn mumbles something about working on an English project and declines Harry’s offer.

Harry shrugs, says “okay” in a _suit yourself_ kind of way and starts jogging again.

 

❀❀❀❀❀

 

Zayn unlocks the front door and steps inside, kicking off his shoes. This was the only time the house was quiet, his parents at work and his two little sisters still in school. He trudges up the stairs to his room and falls face first onto his unmade bed, backpack abandoned on the floor. Zayn rolls onto his side and pulls his pillows and blankets against himself. He’s just about to fall asleep and take a much needed nap when his phone vibrates in his bag. He considers ignoring it but when he closes his eyes, all he sees are kind crinkly eyes, broad shoulders and a birthmark.

Without opening his eyes, he rolls over, throws his arm over the side of his bed and pats blindly for his bag before grabbing it and pulling it up. He fishes out his phone, pushes his bag back off the bed and flips over again. With half his face smashed into his pillow, he peeks an eye open to check who the message is from.

 **161-538-9702: hey** **its liam frm English :D**

Zayn’s mouth pulls up into a grin as he quickly saves Liam’s number in his phone. He stares at the text for a good five or ten minutes before settling on just replying with:

**Hey (:**

Less than a minute later, Zayn’s phone vibrated again.

 **Liam: thought I shuld let u kno I hav football** **practice evry week day except fri for about an hour but after im free** **so just tell me whenever u want 2 wrk on this thing :)**

**Zayn: I’m free most of the time so whatever works best for you is fine (:**

Eventually they both decide it would be best for Zayn to go home with Liam on Monday’s and Wednesday’s and Liam could pop by Zayn’s to work on the weekend or they’ll go out to a library. Zayn lets Liam know that he’s going to do his side of the poem tonight to get it over with and Liam says he’ll do the same so they can get working on joining the two parts as best as possible, as soon as possible.

That’s how Zayn finds himself, an hour later, writing out stanza after stanza. It came easily, lines fit for a cheezy love song. They had no meaning, at least not to him but he could pretend.

 

❀❀❀❀❀

 

“So is he a friend of yours?” his mother asks at the dinner table, looking at Zayn over tops of plates.

“Not exactly. We’re just working on a project together,” Zayn tells her before shoveling more food in. They had been talking about Liam and the project. He hoped his mother wouldn’t turn it into this.

“Well it would be nice if you had more friends. Harry is great, you know we love him dearly but…”

“I know, I know.”

The conversation is cut short by the bickering of his sisters, his father having to step in briefly. Zayn is grateful. He knows his mother means well and he loves her so much he could explode but sometimes he would rather not talk about his social life with his family. Sometimes he would rather be alone.

After dinner he helps clean up before heading back into his room, shutting and locking the door. He tucks away his poem in his bag before shucking off his shirt and changing into sweatpants.

That night, blanket kicked off the bed and curled up with a pillow, he dreams of the mortification of showing up to school and realizing he’s forgotten his trousers.


	2. II

The next day is Friday and it passes by fairly quickly. Liam doesn’t speak to him but then again, Zayn didn’t really expect him to. Zayn spends the whole school day brooding, sleeping on his desk or biting his lip practically clean off his face. He should really invest in some chapstick. After school, he walks back to Harry’s house with him.

“There’s a game tonight, you wanna go?” Harry asks. He’s currently sat on his bed with his legs crossed, across from Zayn.

“Why on Earth would I want to do that?” Zayn replies, cringing and popping several crisps into his mouth.

“You know, it wouldn’t kill you to get out some…besides, you need to get laid and you might find a nice lad there with a nice, round a-“

“Harry, come on bro,” Zayn replies refusing to meet his eyes.

“Just saying..could be nice…you know…..going to the game and seeing a nice fit guy,” Harry says. He’s trying for nonchalant but he’s possibly the worst actor Zayn’s ever met.

“Oh yeah? So who is he then, out with it,” Zayn asks sarcastically.

“I am SO glad you just so happened to ask, my friend! Louis Tomlinson. He’s captain of the football team. A dreamy, witty football player. He asked if I was going to the game tonight and I automatically said yes but it’s not my fault so stop looking at me like that….honestly, who can say no to those eyes?” Harry swoons.

“You always do this and I get dragged into situations that are just not my scene at all, you know I hate that. Besides, isn’t he the one dating that cheerleader? What was her name, Briana..Danielle?”

“I think it’s Eleanor actually.”

“Okay, regardless, keyword here is HER. I don’t want you getting hurt again,” Zayn says with earnest.

“I’m fine, besides, I like a challenge. The thrill of the chase and all that,” Harry says as he lies back across the bed.

“I don’t know man, its Friday, I just wanna chill, yknow?” sighs Zayn.

“C’mon, please? You’re my best friend, I need my wingman!” Harry says bolting upright with pleading eyes. Harry knows how to get Zayn to comply, the devil.

“…what time are we leaving?”

❀❀❀❀❀

The amount of loud, sweaty teenagers makes Zayn wish he was back home. Harry is pulling him by the sleeve of his jacket through the crowd, which would normally irritate him but in this case, it’s the only thing keeping him from panicking. Harry pulls them to the stands as close to the front as possible. The game has already begun and players are dashing across the field. Blurs of green, white and blue sprint after the ball as people in the stands cheer. It’s then that Zayn remembers that Liam mentioned he had football practice most of the week. So that means he’s on the team. Immediately Zayn is infinitely more interested in this game as he searches each player wearing the school colors, looking for Liam.

“Look, Zayn, that’s Louis with the ball right there!” Harry shouts, pointing and shaking Zayn. Zayn sees the rather short captain dribbling the ball and then passing it.

“Ooo I knew he was gonna do that! He always passes to Payne. They’re best mates,” Harry says and then continues rambling.

Payne. Number 8. Liam now has the ball and is running with it to the goal. Zayn thinks he’ll make the shot but just before he does a member of the opposing team swipes the ball out from right underneath him.

The rest of the game he keeps his eyes trained on Liam, even catching himself cheering a few times.

❀❀❀❀❀

When the game is over (their school won but just barely), people begin filing out and heading home. Some players, still in uniform, are mixed into the mess, getting congratulated by friends and family. When Harry realizes this, Zayn is once again dragged through the crowd, this time on the hunt for one Louis Tomlinson.

When they find him it’s one of the top most awkward moments Zayn has ever witnessed and that means a lot coming from him. Louis is having a playful conversation with a chipper blond boy, a slender brunette next to him who’s wearing her cheerleader costume. When the blond sees Harry he nods in their direction and winks at Louis before fist bumping him and walking away. Louis and who must be Eleanor turn around. Louis smiles wide when he sees Harry, Eleanor not so much.

“Hazza, you came!” Louis exclaims.

“I uh of course I did, I told you I wouldn’t miss it! Congrats on the win,” Harry says. Zayn has never seen Harry genuinely nervous when talking to someone. He’s about to ask if he’s alright when-

“Payno! Nice game man,” Louis shouts looking beyond them.

“You too, it was a good one huh? Hi Harry, Eleanor. Hey Zayn,” Liam says joining the group. Zayn is too afraid to make any noise at this point in time so he just gives a tightlipped smile and nods. The group then continues its friendly chat and banter and Zayn zones out. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder and snaps out of it.

“Yoohoo, Earth to Zayn,” Liam says chuckling.

“Oh uh…hi,” Zayn says. He feels like he’s in a small box and he can’t tell if he’s feeling claustrophobic and wants out or like he wants to close the box up and never come out again.

“So are we still on for tomorrow? Yknow the project? I finished my half yesterday, what about you?” Liam asks, tilting his head. He really is like a big puppy.

“I um yeah yeah tomorrow is still good, I finished my part too,” Zayn stutters out. He’s starting to feel a bit sick now. He’s incredibly anxious, completely out of his comfort zone and just wants to go home.

“You alright?” Liam asks with his eyebrows bunched up and what almost looks like a pout.

“Yeah, fine,” Zayn says but he’s not fine, he needs to go, he has to leave. He’s shaking as he desperately looks to Harry for help. Unfortunately Zayn’s condition has now attracted the attention of the whole group.

“Shit, Zayn, I’m sorry. Louis, I gotta go but I’ll see you Monday?” Harry rushes out, grabbing Zayn by the arm and already starting to walk away.

“Yeah, okay?” Louis says confused but looking a bit worried. Liam looks concerned as he waves. Harry politely but quickly makes his way through the mass amounts of people and eventually they’re back out on the streets again, headed into Zayn’s neighborhood.

“Zayn, I am so sorry, I got too carried away, we should’ve just said hi and left,” Harry says, still gripping his friend.

“It’s okay, I just need to go home and be alone for a bit. I need to relax,” Zayn says. He sounds spacey like his lungs and mind are up in the air but his body feels heavy, chained to the earth by boulders. He feels his phone vibrating in his pocket but he’s in no place to check it right now. After saying goodbye to Harry at the door, he quickly makes his way inside. He shouts hey to his family in the living room to let them know he’s home and then rushes upstairs to his room. As soon as he’s in he strips down to his briefs and crawls into bed. With weak hands he grips onto his pillow and curls up into the fetal position. In the dark he hears his phone buzz a few more times before exhaustion takes over.

❀❀❀❀❀

When morning rears its ugly head, Zayn feels the weight of last night in the sandbags under his eyes. It looks pretty early from what he can see outside his window. Definitely before noon aka too early for him to be awake on a weekend. He hears a vibrating coming from the floor below. He probably should let Harry know he’s alright… Zayn reaches over the side of the bed and grabs his pants from the night before, fishing his phone out of the back pocket. It’s 10:30ish. Too early.

Liam: 1 voicemail

Liam: 1 missed call

Liam: 6 messages

Harry: 2 messages

Panic sets in quickly as the nights memories flash through his mind.

_Liam probably thinks I’m a freak. God I’m such an idiot, he probably thinks I’m so lame now. Why the hell am I like this, what is wrong with me._

He opens Harrys messages first.

**11:39pm Harry: Zayn, I’m so sorry about tonight, I’m such a jerk.**

**9:46am Harry: Hey, good morning. How are you? Alright?**

Zayn sighs, feeling guilty. He types a quick apology for his behavior and let’s Harry know he’s doing fine now. He takes a deep breath before opening Liam’s texts. He can’t ignore them forever. Zayn is bracing himself for the bullying, the confusion, the harassment and his own embarrassment but what he reads surprises him.

**10:58pm Liam: r u alright? U looked like u saw a ghost**

**11:05pm Liam: worried abot u m8 i hope u made it home ok**

**11:16pm Liam: r u sick? cuz if u r we can cancel tomorrow? Or if u don’t want 2 cancel i can bring u some soup if u want**

**8:23am Liam: hey!! Idk if ur up yet but let me know about today :)**

**8:47am Liam: also could I get ur address?**

**10:14am Liam: so what kind of soup do u lik**

_Liam is worried about me? That was his first instinct after seeing me like that?_

Zayn then goes to his voicemails and plays the one Liam just left a few minutes ago.

“I uh hey Zayn. It’s Liam. I just wanted to know how you were feeling and if you’re still up for me to come by today? Text me the address pleeeease. Alright see you later maybe. Bye!”

_What is this kids deal? He’s either somehow just really nice or he’s an idiot. Maybe both. I won’t let it get to me..he doesn’t really care, we’re just partners for this project. That’s all. Either way I guess it’s nice for now._

**10:36am Zayn: Hey, I’m really sorry about last night. I’m fine, no worries. I’m down if you still want to come. :)**

Two minutes later, Liam replies.

**Liam: Yes!! Glad 2 hear ur alive n well m8. Shoot me ur address, ill b round about 12?**

Zayn texts Liam his address, forces his butterflies into submission and allows himself an extra hour of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to get this up. Life's been rough but I'm getting back in the swing of things! Thank you so much for reading, feedback is always appreciated :)


	3. III

Zayns extra hour of sleep turns out to be a bit longer than an hour. It’s 12:05 on the dot when he hears his mum calling him downstairs. Shirtless, rumpled hair, one sock missing and still in his jeans from the night before, he pads downstairs rubbing at his sleepy eyes.

“Yeah mu- shit”.

“Zayn, language!” his mother scolds.

Normally he would never swear in front of his mum but this was an exception. Liam was sat on the couch, looking as sweet as ever, clutching his bag to his chest.

“Good morning, sunshine,” chirped Liam.

_Sunshine? Sunshine! Oh of fucking course, sunshine._

“Hi, sorry, I guess I overslept some..” Zayn said attempting to smooth his bedhead.

“Well I suppose you two have some work to do, yeah? Want me to bring up drinks in a bit? Is tea alright?” Zayn could tell his mum was scrambling, he’s never had anyone over besides Harry, certainly no one like Liam.

“Oh thank you, that’s very kind of you,” Liam says with a big smile on his face, standing up.

“Of course, love,” Trisha says giving Zayn a thumbs up when Liam turns his back to walk towards the stairs.

Zayn sighs and smiles and leads Liam up to his bedroom. Zayn can’t help but think about how if the circumstances were different this could be a very erotic moment. His daydream is immediately crashing and burning at the sound of his sisters shouting.

“Safaa I told you to stay out of my room, what don’t you understand?” Waliyha yelled.

“It’s MY room too!” the youngest of the family, Safaa, yelled right back.

“But I told you to stay out, go play somewhere else, leave me alone for two seconds!”

Zayn rolled his eyes and headed to the first door down the hallway on the right.

“One second, sorry, it’s just my sisters,” Zayn says.

When he enters the girls’ shared room he sees Safaa sitting on the floor and Waliyha on her bed. Safaa has her arms crossed across her chest, pouting.

“Waliyha, c'mon, chill. You guys share a room, you have this argument every weekend. What’s the point anymore? Safaa is 8 years old, be nice, please?” Zayn says. He’s right, this does happen nearly every single weekend. Waliyha at 12 is getting a teenage attitude a bit too soon although she might’ve gotten it from Zayn.

“Yeah, whatever, _Dad_ ,” Waliyha says and Safaa giggles from the floor.

“Don’t start with me, it’s too early,” Zayn groans.

“It’s past noon,” Safaa says.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Knock it off you guys, don’t make me come back in here please,” he says, walking out and shutting the door.

“Sorry about that,” Zayn apologizes.

“No big deal, _Dad_ ,” Liam says chuckling.

Zayn's stomach flips. _Who the hell is this kid and when will death finally come for me?_

At the end of the hallway he opens the door to his room.

“Woah, sick,” Liam says taking in the art and posters. “Did you draw all these?”

“Oh uh yeah, yeah I did,” Zayn says pulling a shirt on and ditching his one sock.

“This is really amazing like actually really really cool,” Liam says, shuffling around the room and observing the many sketches Zayn has up around his room. So much you can hardly see the wall under it anymore.

“Thank you,” Zayn says, messing with his hair again. “You can take a seat anywhere.”  
Zayn sits at the head of his bed and Liam sits at the foot.

“By the way, sorry about last night, I’m fine. I’m just..yeah,” Zayn says.

“Don’t apologize, you can’t help it, yknow, whatever you were feeling. Oh, that reminds me!” Liam says with a crinkly eyed smile and then opens his bag. He pulls out a container and hands it to Zayn.

“It’s homemade chicken soup, my mum made it. Best I’ve ever had! I hope you like it, I wasn’t sure..” Liam says, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I…mate, this is really nice, thank you. I don’t know what to say,” Zayn says. _Who the hell IS this kid…_  
He opens up the container. He takes a deep breath in and practically moans. Liam wasn’t kidding, this smells delicious.

“It should still be pretty warm if you want some now, I warmed it up before I headed over here.”  
Liam looks shy about it, a pink hue coloring his round cheeks.

“Yeah man, I’ll ask Mum for a fork when she comes up,” Zayn says. He can’t help the smile spread across his cheeks.

“So uh..I didn’t know you had sisters,” Liam says. He’s definitely being shy. Why?

“Oh yeah, 3 actually. Those two were Safaa and Waliyha. The oldest of all of us is Doniya and then there’s me,” Zayn says grabbing for his backpack and pulling his poem out. He suddenly feels sheepish and doesn’t want to share it with Liam.

“My sisters are both older, they live together out in London now,” Liam says pulling out what must be his own poem. “So uh you wanna just trade papers and read each others?”

“Um..sure.”

“Please just don’t laugh,” Liam pleads, not meeting Zayn’s eyes.

“I’d never laugh at you, Liam,” he says, handing over his own paper.

Zayn looks down at the paper and boyish handwriting and starts reading.

I wish that I could take you to the start  
I'd never let you fall and break your heart  
And if you want to cry or fall apart,  
I'd be there to hold you

You tell me that you're hurt, it's all in vain  
But I can see your heart can love again  
And I remember you were laughing  
So let's just laugh again

But don't burn out even  
If you scream and shout  
It'll come back to you

I would carry you over fire and water for your love  
And I will hold you closer, hope your heart is strong enough

When the night is coming down on you  
We will find a way through the dark

And you don't need to run  
You will see it's easy to be loved  
I know you want to be loved

I would carry you over fire and water for your love  
And I will hold you closer, hope your heart is strong enough  
When the night is coming down on you  
We will find a way through the dark

  
When Zayn lifts his head up from the paper, Liam is looking at him and biting his lip.

“Liam this is..this is incredible,” Zayn says. Liam shies away from his stare.

“Thank you, yours too. So who’s the lucky girl?” Liam asks looking down. Zayn’s internal organs drop.

“Oh no I uh actually I’m g-“

“Knock knock boys, I’ve brought tea and some snacks,” Trisha says opening the door and balancing a food tray on her other hand.

“Thank you mum, here I’ll take it,” Zayn says getting up and taking the tray from her. It has an two bags of crisps on it, water, tea and biscuits.

“Thank you!” Liam says as Zayn carefully sets it on his bed.

“Oh and would you mind please grabbing me a fork?”

“A fork? What for?” his mum asks.

“Liam brought me some soup, I was a bit ill last night,” Zayn explains.

“How sweet! How are you today, love?”

“I’m fine, mum, no worries.”

Trisha nods and smiles looking between Liam and Zayn. There’s an awkward silence, everyone just looking between each other, Trisha just standing there, basking in what simply must be her sons happiness.

“Um…mum?”

“Oh yes, sorry, I’ll be going now,” she says backing out of the room.

“Fork?”

“Yes, yes, fork! I’ll be back then!” she says followed by the sound of scurrying.

“Your mum is so kind,” Liam says picking up his water and drinking. “So what were you saying?”

“Huh? Um..it ah doesn’t matter, forget it.”

“You sure?”

“Fork! I have your fork!” Trisha exclaims, wielding the utensil.

“Thank you,” Zayn says. This time she leaves right after, shutting the door behind her.

Zayn takes his place on the bed again, opening the soup and digging in.

“This is amazing,” Zayn says through a mouthful.

Liam laughs, “I’ll let Mum know.”

“So should we start comparing them?” asks Zayn.

“There’s a party!” Liam rushes out.

“A…excuse me?”

“A party, my friends are throwing a party. Louis, Harry and I will be there and I was wondering if you wanted to go,” Liam says looking into Zayn’s eyes.

“Oh man, thank you but parties aren’t really my thing. Crowds more specifically,” Zayn says pushing the chicken in his soup around. Realization dawns on Liam.

“So last night..?”

“Yeah..”

“Oh I understand..well the invitation is always there. Next Friday. Harry has the details if you decide you want to come,” Liam says with a small smile.

❀❀❀❀❀

The next two hours are filled with lots of crisps, writing, altering and surprisingly enough, banter.  
Zayn is quickly starting to enjoy Liam’s company and he thinks Liam actually likes being around him too. His laugh, smile, voice, the crinkles by his eyes, right down to the way he rubs his greasy fingers on his pants. Not to mention how talented he is at writing, that’s what’s really sticking to him. They work so well together, words flowing beautifully like they were meant to be together. Liam is unlike any person he’s ever met and Zayn is afraid. He is afraid of the inevitable end when Liam leaves. This is just temporary and he constantly has to remind himself that but _God_ is it perfect. He figures the pain yet to come is worth it. Zayn figures the anxiety attack will be worth it.

“Hey so..that party?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I might go after all.”

 


	4. IV

On Monday, Zayn goes home with Liam as planned. They meet in front of the campus, outside the office. Zayn’s shuffling in place, pulling on the straps of his backpack.

“Hey, ready to go? My house isn’t far, you alright with walking?” Liam says, smiling down at Zayn.

It’s nice outside, a walk with Liam sounds perfect but of course Zayn can’t say this so he just nods and smiles back.

“Cool! My dad might be home but that’s about it, Mum should still be at work, just so you’re prepared. My dad can be a bit much sometimes but he means well,” Liam says as they start their walk.

“Yeah, okay,” Zayn says watching the ground as they walk. He doesn’t really know what to expect _. What does Liam mean his dad can be a bit much? Is he invasive? Judgmental, rude? What if he’s racist, wouldn’t that just be perfect. No, he can’t be horrible. How could a horrible person raise Liam? So what does ‘a bit much’ mean?_

“Yoohoo? Zaynie?” Liam says, waving his hand in front of Zayn’s face. “Lost in thought, are you?”

Zayn laughs, pushing Liam’s hand away. He ignores the urge to hold it.

“Zaynie?” Zayn questions, lifting an eyebrow. Liam blushes but laughs it off and looks away.

“I hope I didn’t make you nervous about my dad. He’s a lot like me but you know..old! Just imagine me but as an old dad,” Liam says making himself laugh. Zayn chuckles _. Liam as a dad. Liam with kids. Now that’s a thought._

“That sounds a lot better than what I was thinking,” Zayn says, imagining Liam running around with a child on his shoulders.

“What? What were you thinking?”

“Huh? Oh it’s nothing, it’s my own thing, no worries,” Zayn shakes his head.

“But I do worry.”

“What?”

“I mean like, I want to know,” Liam says, staring straight ahead.

“I don’t know, man. Just kind of personal,” Zayn says, biting hard on his lip, joining Liam in just staring straight into the distance.

“What, we’re friends now, aren’t we? But yeah it’s okay if you’d rather not talk about it,” Liam says. He’s smiling now, Zayn knows it. Always smiling, always sunny.

_Friends? We’re friends? When did that happen? Not that I mind or anything but..what?_

“I have this thing about people. It’s hard to explain. Just think of me as an introvert times twenty. Sometimes the thought of socializing makes me…I don’t know, almost sad. I panic, especially when I don’t have control over the situation but then again, if I’m given too much control that also makes me just…shut down.”

“What do you mean by shut down?” Liam asks.

“Again, that’s hard to explain. Has to do with fight or flight stuff. Sometimes I’m stuck in flight mode,” Zayn says. He doesn’t regret admitting these things to Liam but he might’ve just bitten off more than he can chew. He’s never even spoken to Harry about this, always just blew him off, let him figure it out himself. It’s not like Zayn to talk about it at all.

“I think I understand what you mean. Well, I don’t but I do..you know?” Liam says. His voice is soft, kind and friendly.

“Yeah, yeah I do,” Zayn says finding himself grinning.

About 15 minutes later, that time filled with Liam rambling about football and locker room banter, they walk up to Liam’s house. It’s a relatively small, well taken care of, suburban home. It suits Liam. They walk up the front steps and Liam opens the door for Zayn.

“After you,” he says.

When Zayn walks inside he’s enveloped in warmth. When he looks to the walls and sees all the family photos and baby pictures, he’s filled with a different kind of warmth. When Liam brushes up behind him while sidestepping him, he is again filled with a very different kind of warmth.

“Dad, you home?” Liam calls out.

“Yeah!” a burly voice replies from an unknown area in the house. “Is that Zayn lad here?”

“Yeah, he is!” Liam shouts. He walks through the house, waving Zayn over after him.

In the living room, there’s a man relaxed back on the couch who must be Liam’s father.

“I take it you’re Zayn? It’s nice to meet you, I’m Liam’s dad, Geoff,” he says, rising to shake Zayn’s hand.

“Nice to meet you, Sir,” Zayn says in a small voice.

“Sir? I like him, he has manners unlike Louis,” Geoff says to Liam. “Well keep it down, don’t make me have to be a dad.”

Liam laughs and nods before leading Zayn upstairs and to his room.

Inside the room screams Liam. There are clothes everywhere, knick knacks, a football in the corner and above all, it smells just like him.

“Oh, I forgot to ask. Are you hungry, thirsty?” Liam says flopping down on his bed. His sheets are a dark blue and they’re all disheveled.

“No, I’m alright, thank you,” Zayn says sitting down on the bed, still holding on to his bag.

“You really are quite polite, aren’t you? Drastic change from Louis, my dad’s right,” Liam chuckles. He sits up, grabbing his bag and pulls out his poem. Zayn does the same and they get to work.

“Can I ask you something now?” Zayn says, crisscrossing his legs and facing Liam.

“Yeah, anything,” Liam says.

“What exactly is yours about? I’ve been thinking about it but I can’t tell, could be about plenty of things but I want to know what it means to you like personally.”

“Oh uh…it’s kind of sad actually but it’s something that’s a big part of me so I always write about it when we have assignments like these. When I was younger I was bullied a lot. Kid’s used to beat me up after school, throw things, yell..really horrible things at me. It was hard to get through the day sometimes. So my poem is about me. Kinda present day me talking to past me,” Liam says. He’s looking down at the paper in his hands, his cheeks are red and Zayn could kiss him right now, make his lips the same shade of red.

But instead he just swallows his feelings and says, ”You were bullied?”

“Yeah, for years. So I understand what you mean when you say you sometimes panic when it comes to people because so do I.”

“I don’t think that’s sad at all.”

“What?”

“You said it was sad. I disagree. It’s hopeful, it’s happy, inspiring even. It’s brave.”

Liam looks up at Zayn, his mouth parting a bit. He’s at a loss for words. Then he smiles a big, genuine, crinkly Liam smile.

“Thank you Zayn. Really.”

 

❀❀❀❀❀

 

The week drags on as it normally does. Sleep, eat, homework, repeat. Wednesday Zayn went back to Liam’s home and they continued to work on their now almost completed poem. It’s now Friday, the day of the party and Zayn is sitting with Harry at their usual table for lunch.

“And then she’s still glaring at me and it really was frustrating. She doesn’t even know me and yet she hates me so much. What have I done?” Harry says, pushing his food around his plate.

“I mean..you’re clearly after Louis, Harry. She’s his girlfriend, of course she wouldn’t be very fond of you,” Zayn says, giving Harry a pat on the back.

“Shit, they’re coming this way,” Harry says, swatting Zayn’s side. Before he looks up, he knows exactly who Harry is talking about. Sure enough, Liam and Louis are walking over to the table.

“Harry! You alright? Seem a bit down. Can we still expect you tonight?” Louis asks with a pout.

“Of course, yeah! I’m fine, tired is all,” Harry lies.

“Zayn, you still think you’ll be able to stop by? I would really like to see you there,” Liam says smiling and looking down at Zayn.

“I think so yeah,” Zayn says, giving Liam a smile.

“I uh, yes good, yes. I will see you there then, goodnight,” Liam says, waving and quickly pulling Louis away.

“Did..he say goodnight?” Harry asks, brows scrunched up.

“Yeah, by accident, probably meant to say goodbye,” Zayn says, watching the two boys walk out of the cafeteria, Louis laughing at Liam the whole way out.

“He’s definitely into you,” Harry says, taking a bite of his salad.

Zayn chokes on his water, “Harry, the hell are you talking about?”

“Liam! He was all flustered because you smiled at him. That seem normal to you?” Harry says, wiggling his eyebrows.

“I…I don’t know, man. Shut up,” Zayn says, pushing his shoulder. Zayn looks down, hiding his smile.

“Ohhh are those feelings I spy? Emotions? In Zayn Malik? Who knew he had any, alert the press!”

“Harry, shut up,” Zayn says, shoving him again.

“Man, he’s got you whipped. You’re even coming to a party tonight. I’m impressed, I should take notes.”

On the outside, Zayn ignores him but on the inside, he agrees.

 

❀❀❀❀❀

 

After school, Zayn goes home with Harry. The entire afternoon is filled with Harry drooling over Louis and Zayn napping on and off to avoid the anxiety pooling in his stomach.

“Want to borrow some clothes?” Harry asks after Zayn’s third nap.

“What’s wrong with what I have on?” Zayn asks confused and slightly offended.

“Yeah no offense, you’re gorgeous and all but…you’re trying to pull tonight so you gotta step it up,” Harry says, looking through his drawers.

“I’m not trying to do anything actually.”

“Right. I have some grungy clothes that would suit you,” Harry says.

“Are you saying I’m grungy?” Zayn says making a face.

“Well no I suppose but you’re…Zayn,” Harry says gesturing at Zayn. Zayn groans and rolls over for another nap. “At least change your pants.”

About fifteen minutes later he hears Harry exclaim, “Ah hah! Perfect. I really am a genius. Hey, you get laid tonight, I am taking full responsibility for it.”

Zayn feels clothes land on his back.

“And you should do your hair up like you did that one time,” Harry says. “Now get up, help me. Is this good?”

The next hour is outfit change after outfit change for Harry even though each one Zayn says looks fine. (“Just fine? C’mon, I need Louis to dump his girlfriend for me not think I’m cute.”)

Zayn changes in the bathroom. The jeans Harry chose are admittedly a very good decision. They’re tight, black and Zayn looks hot if he does say so himself. He’s wearing one of his favorite shirts, a black shirt with Marvel printed across the front.

“Wow, you look hot! If I were Liam, I would definitely be after you tonight,” Harry says when Zayn comes back into his room.

“I don’t want Liam after me, why do you keep saying that?” Zayn lies.

“Yeah, whatever you say, Zayn,” Harry rolls his eyes. “There’s hair gel in the bathroom, help yourself and do something with that sad mop.”

“You’re one to talk,” Zayn says, going back to the bathroom and working his hair into a perfect quiff. He’ll admit he does enjoy dressing up like this and looking good for a night out. He would do his hair up every day but there’s the fear of someone saying anything about it that stops him.

Eventually the duo is ready. They take an uber to a neighborhood Zayn’s never been to. Pulling up to the house, Zayn wonders what he got himself into. There are already teenagers stumbling around the front yard, the music is so loud he can feel it when he gets out of the car and from what he can see through the window, it’s packed.

_Who even knows this many people?_

Harry once again grabs Zayn’s arm and tugs him forward (Zayn is still grateful).

“First things first we need to get you a drink,” Harry says. Zayn frantically nods his head. The music is even louder when they get inside but it’s not as packed as Zayn thought it would be. They find the kitchen, where all the alcohol is.

“Shots!” Harry yells so Zayn can hear him. Zayn nods and Harry finds them shot glasses.

3 shots later, Zayn is starting to relax but just in case he makes himself a strong mix of all the alcohol he can get his hands on. He soon has a red solo cup full of whiskey, vodka, rum and soda. Harry is gone at this point. Being a lightweight, after the third shot he shouted something about finding Louis and stumbled into the living room. Zayn, drink in hand, goes into the living room and scans the area looking for Harry. His drink is catching up on him faster than he thought it would so he finds a wall without a couple making out on it, leans against it and pulls out his phone. Initially he was going to text Harry and make sure he’s okay and not already passed out somewhere but a text from Liam distracts him.

 

 **11:46pm Liam** : r u here? havent seen u, hope u didnt change ur mind about comin :(

 **12:03am Zayn** : Nope, I’m here :) Harry’s run off somewhere

 

Zayn feels dizzy and warm when he looks up from his phone. He looks around the living room again. He finds Louis but no Harry and no Liam. He sips at his drink again. Soon enough a pretty blonde girl comes up to him.

“Hi, I’ve never seen you around? What’s your name?” she asks, clearly drunk.

“I’m Zayn.”

“I’m Perrie, very nice to meet you.”

She’s now touching his shoulder and getting awfully close to him. Perrie is soon enough slumped against him, lazily kissing at his neck. He gently pushes her back, careful not to spill his drink or knock her over as she isn’t very steady.

“I’m really sorry, you’re very pretty but I’m gay,” Zayn slurs.

“Oh! Oh my god, I am so sorry! My best friend is gay too, one second!” and just like that she’s fumbling away before Zayn can stop her.

He sighs and checks his phone again, sipping his drink.

 

 **12:09am Liam** : yay!! :D where r u?

 **12:16am Zayn** : living room, against wall, very drunk hahah 

 

He puts his phone back in his pocket, smiling to himself. Suddenly someone is grabbing his shoulder. It’s Perrie, hair a mess and makeup running from sweating. She has a boy probably around Zayn’s age by the wrist. She must have brought him all the way over here from wherever he was in the house.

“Zayn, this is Josh, he’s my friend I was telling you about!” Perrie yells.

_Telling me about? She said he was gay and then walked away.._

“Uh hi I’m Josh,” Josh says, stepping forward.

“I’m Zayn,” Zayn shouts. Josh is a fairly attractive boy. His fringe is flopped across his forehead and his has sweet eyes. He reminds Zayn’s drunken mind of Liam but he’s definitely not his Liam.

Perrie leaves them alone and they start talking. They’re actually hitting it off pretty well, Josh is making him laugh and Zayn is having fun. Or maybe he’s just really drunk. He can’t tell at this point.

“What are you drinking, can I have a sip? I’m sobering up and I don’t want to right now, not this early in what looks to be a really good night,” Josh says, eyeing Zayn, looking him up and down.

_You aren’t Liam, not even close but..it feels good to be wanted this way._

“Yeah sure, you can have the rest, it’s almost empty anyway,” Zayn says.

Josh takes a sip and gags.

“Mate, what is this, gasoline? You’ve been casually drinking this this whole time?” Josh laughs.

Zayn laughs too but it isn’t because he’s happy, it’s because he’s drunk.

_Where is Liam?_

Josh’s laughter dies down and he suddenly becomes quite serious, looking into Zayn’s eyes. He glances back and forth between his eyes and his lips and Zayn knows what he wants. He leans in, the alcohol making him brave and their lips collide, hands grabbing and pulling. It’s clear they’re both intoxicated, teeth clashing. It hurts but it’s good, so, so good. They’re nipping each other’s lips, licking, tasting, feeling. Josh must have dropped the cup because now both his hands are in Zayn’s hair. Zayn has a tight grip on Josh’s hips and now they’re grinding up against each other. Hot breaths and hot tongues and Zayn is burning up. His head is full of thoughts of Liam and he can’t stop touching this boy. Liam’s eyes, his scent, his laugh, his touch. Josh is not Liam but Zayn can pretend for now. Zayn is relentless, constantly touching and kissing him, wanting to make him feel good. Josh is gasping for breath, he’s hard in his pants and Zayn can feel it against his own hard length. They pay no mind to the people dancing in the room around them, they can feel the music in their bones and it makes it that much better. Zayn moves his kisses down to Josh’s neck, sucking and biting. Josh lets out a deep moan, grabbing Zayn harder. Zayn opens his eyes for a moment, drunk enough that he needs to see the world around him to remember what’s going on at all and what he sees makes him stop.

In his mind, it’s just like a movie. Time stops and through the crowd, he makes eye contact with Liam. Liam looks beautiful as always. His cheeks are red and his mouth is wide open in what appears to be shock.

_That’s right, he doesn’t know yet. Well now he does, surprise Liam, I’m gay and pretending this boy is you._

Zayn pulls away from Josh immediately. Liam is more important, he needs to go talk to Liam but the moment is gone and so is Liam.

“Wanna find a room?” Josh says, lips fire engine red.

“I actually uh, I need to go help my friend, I just saw him, I’m sorry,” Zayn says, adjusting himself.

“Oh yeah, that’s cool, I guess. I’ll be here if you want to have some fun,” Josh says kissing Zayn one more time.

Zayn smirks and walks away, headed in the direction he last saw Liam. He weaves through the crowd, feeling people grab at him, trying to make him stay but he wants Liam, only Liam. In the corner he can see Harry making out with a boy that looks like he could be Louis but Zayn can’t be bothered to check. Liam is nowhere to be found. Zayn needs fresh air, he feels like he’s going to be sick. He’s covered in kisses, saliva, sweat and fingerprints, he needs to breathe. He finds his way into the backyard and sits in the grass. He bums a smoke off of some girl who gives him a flirty smile. She’s talking to him but he isn’t listening.

All he’s thinking about is Liam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: This party was inspired by true events. My lovely girlfriend invited me to her friends party and to quiet my severe anxiety, I made the concoction that Zayn had in this chapter and needless to say I don't remember much from that night. Drink responsibly!


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late and short update :( Thank you for reading <3 Also, sorry if this is formatted weird..I literally have no excuse at this point except that it's 5 in the morning.

The living room is empty now, save for Liam, smiling and sitting on the couch. He waves Zayn over but when Zayn tries to walk, he can’t move. His feet are glued to the floor. Liam continues to wave and call him.

“Zayn.”

Zayn still can’t lift his legs.

“Zayn, c’mon!” Liam shouts.

“Liam, help me, I can’t move!” Zayn says, starting to panic.

“Zayn, wake up.”

_Wake up?_

“Zayn, we have to go!” Liam’s mouth moves but it’s Harry’s voice that comes out.

When Zayn wakes up the first thing he sees is Harry standing above him.

“Hm?” Zayn groans, rubbing his eyes.

 

“Get up, we have to go, things went to shit last night and I just want to get out of here before anyone else gets up. Please?” Harry has tears in his eyes and his voice is groggy.

Zayn must’ve passed out in the backyard after his smoke because he’s lying in the grass that he vaguely remembers from last night (he says last night but seeing as the sun is just rising, he must’ve only fell asleep a few hours ago).

“Yeah, okay, your house?” Zayn mumbles, slowly sitting up. He keeps his eyes closed and ignores his splitting headache when he stands.

One Uber ride later, they arrive at Harry’s house. Everyone must be gone because the house is quiet when they walk in. They grab water bottles and strip down to their boxers in Harry’s room.

For the next 4 hours, Zayn falls in and out of sleep, drinking water in between. After his last bout of sleep, he sees Harry curled up in a ball on his bed, scrolling through his phone.

“Wanna talk about it?” Zayn says from his position on the floor.

 

Harry shrugs before whispering, “Louis and I kinda hooked up last night but it didn’t go well.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I was blowing him in some room upstairs and Eleanor walked in. Zayn, Louis _pushed_ me, he pushed me away. I was wasted but I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on his face, not to mention Eleanor’s. She looked so heartbroken and Louis..Louis looked like he hated me.”

Harry is blinking back tears now and he turns his face into his pillow, dropping his phone on the sheets. Zayn untangles himself from his floor nest of pillows and blankets and sits next to Harry.

“I’m sorry, Harry. Is there anything I can do? Maybe you should stay away from Louis for a bit, he clearly needs space to figure his own shit out and you need to take time to yourself. Just be alone for a bit, take care of yourself and let whatever happens happen. My honest opinion is that I think he really likes you but he kinda was just thrown out of the closet last night. He has a lot to think about and so do you. Whatever happens I’ll be here for you,” Zayn says softly, rubbing Harry’s back.

 

Harry sniffles and peaks at Zayn. “I love you. Thank you for being my best friend,” he says, voice cracking.

In the last few years Zayn has known Harry, he’s never said it back. Harry has always been open about his feelings and down to earth. He has so much love in him, ready to give it to whoever needs it, even those who don’t deserve it.

“Love you too, Harry.”

 

“What?” Harry says, shocked and trying to hide his smile.

 

“Don’t make me say it again.”

 

“Oh, I’m sorry, in all my sorrow, I really couldn’t hear you!”

 

“I said that I hate you,” grumbles Zayn, rolling his eyes and returning to his makeshift bed on the floor.

 

“Mhm, sure. So how did your night go? Better than mine I hope,” Harry says sitting up.

Zayn lies back and retraces the whole night. He retells all of it, gives brief detail on the good looking guy he made out with.

 

“Josh? Hm, didn’t think he was your type. Did you guys hook up?” Harry says, chugging his water.

 

“We didn’t. I..fuck,” memories run their course through Zayn’s head. Kissing, touching, _Liam_. _Liam walking away._

 

“That doesn’t sound good,” Harry says, his forehead wrinkled with concern.

 

“Liam saw me with Josh last night,” Zayn falls back on the pillows and covers his face with his arm.

 

“So?”

 

“He didn’t know, Harry. I don’t even know if I want him to know. He saw, we made eye contact and he disappeared. I tried to find him but I couldn’t. He probably hates me now. Why else would he literally run away? This is fucked, man.”

Zayn’s heart is racing and anxiety takes over. He can’t tell if he wants to vomit because he’s hung over or because his anxiety is building higher and higher in his stomach. Soon it will get so high it’ll be in his throat and overflow out of his mouth, his ears, eyes, nose, everything.

“Hey, enough of that overthinking. I can’t see Liam being like that; he was probably just drunk and confused and didn’t know what to do. You should text him,” Harry says.

 

“I don’t want to, I couldn’t handle that conversation, definitely not now,” says Zayn as he pats around the floor for his phone anyway.

 

“Do what you think is best, okay? I’m gonna make coffee and some breakfast. Want some?”

 

“Yeah, thanks.”

Harry leaves and Zayn starts going through his texts.

 

 **12:17am Liam:** lucky lol I have a kidney thing so i cant drink much :/

 

 **12:17am Liam:** b right there btw i was in the other living room. this house is stupid big lol

 

Zayn gives a small smile at Liam’s messages and prepares himself for the next few messages.

 

 **12:32am Liam:** i just saw u w/ josh devine? i am very confused but that is ok

 

 **12:33am Liam:** y didnt u tell me? im not against it at all, im pretty sure lou is gay

 

 **1:16am Liam:** also y josh jus wonderin

 

 **1:24am Liam:** where r u? :( i thought u might be somewhere w/ josh but i just saw him alone

 

Relief floods Zayn’s veins and cools the fiery beast growing inside him. He contemplates his text heavily before settling on something lighthearted.

 

 **11:42am Zayn:** So a kidney thing, huh?

 

Liam answers much faster than Zayn thought he would.

 

 **11:43am Liam:** UR ALIVE!! i was worried. what happened last night, u totally disappeared

 

 **11:43am Zayn:** Yep, I’m alive, barely though. I feel like shit haha. Harry and I left early this morning, I was passed out in the back

 

 **11:44am Liam:** outside?? R u ok? R u hungover, want some soup again lol

 

Zayn’s cheeks hurt from smiling so wide.

 

 **Zayn:** I’m okay, thank you :) I’m at Harry’s, he’s quite the housewife hah he’s downstairs making breakfast

 

 **Liam:** thats good…did he tell u about last night

 

 **Zayn:** Yeah, he did…how’s Louis

 

 **Liam:** a wreck to say the least

 

 **Liam:** TELL HAROLD THAT AND I WILL END YOU MALIK

 

 **Liam:** omg im sry that was lou

 

 **Liam:** also sry if the party was too much, i didnt realize how many ppl would actually b there

 

The rest of the afternoon they don’t talk about the Josh incident. In fact, they don’t talk about it at all until Monday, after school, when Zayn goes home with Liam to work.

They’re sitting on Liam’s bed, revising the rough draft of their poem.

“This is actually really good. I think we’ll get a good grade on this..at least I hope so,” Liam says.

 

“I’m sure we will,” Zayn replies.

 

There’s an awkward silence before Liam practically whispers, “Zayn, can I talk to you about..yknow? The party?”

Zayn puts down the paper and scratches the back of his neck, a habit he’s picked up from being around Liam.

 

“Sure, go ahead.”

 

“So um I just…Josh? Are you guys a thing?” Liam stutters, avoiding eye contact.

 

“No, no we’re not. I just met him that night.”

 

“Oh cool, cool. I mean, not _cool_ but..you know what I mean,” Liam flounders.

 

“So are you like _gay_ gay? I’m so sorry, that sounded so rude, um, I just..sorry,” Liam’s face is bright red.

 

Zayn laughs a bit, “It’s okay, Liam. Yeah, I am _gay_ gay.”

Liam tugs his knees up to his chest making him look small and so innocent.

 

“I’ve never been with a guy before.”

 

“What?” Zayn asks confused.

 

“I’ve never been with a guy like at all but I can’t say I haven’t thought about it. I guess I’ve never actually _been with_ anyone.”

 

“I… _what?_ ”

Liam smiles and looks up at Zayn and says, “What? I don’t know, I’ve always been able to appreciate a good looking lad but recently it’s become more than that. I haven’t told anyone that besides Louis. It’s confusing because I do like girls, loads but sometimes…I don’t know. Sorry, this is awkward.”

 

“No, don’t apologize, it’s just that was really the last thing I was expecting to hear. I don’t really know what to say,” Zayn says.

_Liam is interested in guys? What? Just..what? There’s no way, he has to be fucking with me._

 

“You don’t have to say anything, I’m still figuring it out myself. Seeing you this weekend with some other guy actually helped a lot.”

_What?_

“What?”

“That came out weird.”

“What.”

“Ignore me! Let’s finish this up, yeah? It’s due at the end of the week!” Liam says, awkwardly chuckling and changing the subject.

_What._

“Yeah, okay,” Zayn says, dropping it but certainly not forgetting it.

 

When they’re done and Zayn leaves to go home, Liam pulls him in for a hug that lasts a bit longer than usual.

**Author's Note:**

> hi, this is my first fanfic ever so im really sorry if it isn't worded well or if its just lame! I've never done something like this so please let me know what you think and give me some suggestions to improve my work. I've never worked with something like this so im still trying to figure it out. I sound like a grandma. (also while I was writing this I was thinking "who tf goes over to a strangers house to work on a project" but for ziams sake I think this is just how its going to work)


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